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7:44 p.m. - Tuesday, Jun. 07, 2005
I've been slacking with this thing, this diary. I read other people's diaries & they inspire me, but then when I get here, & I know I have so much to say...well, I go blank. And it's funny, but I seriously do have so much to say.

So many things. Life is so confusing. I wish I could make sense of it all.

It's been a few days since my Vovoo died. It was only this morning that it had really hit hard & I had to leave work after having been there only about an hour & a half. My manager is the best ever, by the way. But yeah, so my grandfather. It just, well, sucks. And my mom didn't make it any better. She said she knew I felt guilty because I didn't visit about 4 years ago because stupid Chris didn't want to go on a trip with me to a foreign country. But I hadn't actually thought of that before, but I did today, & that sent my mind reeling. Actually, the biggest part of all this is, I worry so much about my mother. This was her father, & it hasn't been easy for her. She had a really good relationship with him. And the older I get, the more I reliaze how emotionally fragile she really is. Which is something I had never noticed before, funny enough. I mean, I really always just took for granted that she was a rock. I can't believe how wrong I've all this time.

I feel so guilty. I've been home all day & at first I was all good on the cleaning up the house, feeling all ambitious & stuff. But it got so hot today (around 90 I think) & I ended up taking a nap on the sofa & after that, I've been such a lazy bum. And Lord knows this place really REALLY needs some cleaning up. And I really should've gone to get the air conditioner out of the storage unit like a good girl so at least we could sleep in comfort tonight & mabye the animals wouldn't have to suffer so much. Maybe it'll be better tomorrow.

I don't know how many days I'll have off now, but I do know I get bereavement time paid through my company. I'll have to talk to my manager at some point tomorrow, I'm sure. Thank goodness he's such a saint.

I still have been putting off calling Amanda for some unknown reason. Here it is, a year later, I've been wanting to talk to her so badly, & now that the opportunity is here, I've been avoiding it like the plague. I really don't know what's wrong with me. Meanwhile, I FINALLY talked to Jamie the other night via phone & I just really didn't feel any better by the time the conversation was done. I don't know what's happening between us or why, but what I do know is that I can't depend on her being there for my wedding day because she's unreachable & undependable.

And man, I just got another feeling of guilt washed over me when I realized I didn't hook up the dryer yet to do some laundry. Crapsticks.

Thank God Matt is so good to me. I know he'd never get mad, in fact, I suspect he'll probably asked if I relaxed enough today.

I need change, diary. I need this place to look cooler, fresher. I need to change my template & have no clue where to look.



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