7:59 p.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 29, 2005
Even a freakin' professional said I had a really hard time letting go of the past. And that lack of closure for me is my biggest weakness.
And I'm still not over it. Over him. Over what happened, the lack of conversation, & the 'what if's'. And it's killing me inside & it's becoming very visible outside. With the attitude. With the weight loss.
I've become so lackluster...how did this happen? I feel like I was full of life when other people were involved in my day-to-day dealings. Now those people are gone. And I feel empty.
I was told I depend too much on others for happiness. But isn't that what life is? Isn't it about other people, other relationships?
How I really really wish things were so different right now...how badly I wish I had certain things/people/places back in my life again.
Especially people. Especially him. Just wish I hadn't been cleaning & seen a picture of him. He was quite handsome, you know. And we had alot of fun. And I haven't really faced or acknowledged the hurt & missing & feeling like it was a mistake yet. I've just been hiding it & pushing it away into a corner. Because that's how it should be, right? I shouldn't be feeling those things still, it's been so long.
It's embarrassing, I know. But this is my diary, I can embarrass myself if I want to. It's like a rite of passage in here or something.