7:29 p.m. - Monday, Jul. 25, 2005
I think it's been a very long time coming, almost too damn long. I'm sick & tired of this place, I mean, to be honest, this just isn't me anymore. This diary has become something else. Something whiny, depressing, happy in some places, obsessive & sad in others. I remember when I first started this, how much hope I had for it. Now, I look back at the pages & realize how sad it's become & how much I've grown to hate it. Because alot of this, it isn't me anymore. There is so little on these web pages compared to what I really feel & am doing these days in life itself. And it's weird, but so much has changed in my life that this diary just doesn't seem to fit into it anymore. All the people I once had in my life, most of them are gone & there are new people in there instead now. And whether that's good or bad remains to be seen. I mean, I love all these new people, but damned if I miss the old ones. And the funny thing is, I'm like 99.9% sure that alot of those old people read here. Which is also kind of funny because I wish they'd contact me but they don't & on the other hand I wish they'd stop reading here & they're part of the reason why I don't want to write here anymore.
Really, let's face it, if you know a couple of ex-boyfriends & ex-friends are reading, don't you think that the way you express your feelings just might kind of change? Because you know you're being watched? I feel like I can't be completely honest anymore, like I have to guard myself & my feelings, so to speak.
And this is really kind of hard. It's sad, that I feel like I want to leave. I thought I'd be updating in here forever. This place has gone through so many changes, it's seen so many of my happy times, & tears, & confessions, & truly joyous moments. But it hasn't been happy or helpful to me in a long time. And I don't want to be a downer, I'm tired of being like that. I almost feel like this place has become such a downer, it's got me in chains & shackles & I just need to be free. This place has become mostly about one ex-boyfriend in particular, & a few other mishaps I don't really want to mention in other parts of my life, & I hate that it's become that. That's just not me!
And so I've made the decision to leave. I'll be somewhere else where I can make a fresh start. Because my life is so different, it's like I'm on another chapter, & I feel like a diary should reflect that, no? Hey, who knows, I might not end up writing in that other diary, either. I may just sit back, enjoy life, & screw the time it takes to write in one of these things. I don't know. Either way, for those of you who I do want to have know about the new place, no worries, I'll leave a trail to the new address, & if you feel inclined, you can follow it. To everyone else...well, it's been fun, & this diary was quite the learning experience...but I'm going to leave it behind now & reclaim myself, & do what I want to do...which is just be me. :)
Take care of yourselves, always, love, Deedlit999...