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7:05 a.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 18, 2006
Stupid Subconscious
I swear I am just a total mix of emotions lately. I feel anti-social, depressed, inadequate, etc., etc. This is not how I was feeling a week ago. And no, it's not PMS because I know that was 2 weeks ago.

I'm not sure. There are a couple of things that are really bothering me, but they were underlying & they've just come up to the surface. I worry about Rogue, she hasn't been quite the same since her $2,000 operation. I mean, the money hurt, but I was hoping my poor baby would be totally fine, because then it'd be worth every penny we dropped into that whole saga. But last night especially, she was just acting kind of funky & I'm noticing a drop in weight again. I wonder if it's possible for ferrets to get depressed themselves? We are in a new home where she's allowed only 1 room, so I swear I wonder if she's not sad about that.

And then the other day I was on the phone with my brother, & he said something like, 'hold on one sec, call waiting', then came back & told me it was our father. I was a little hurt...he calls my mom regularly to tease her & give her false hope, he calls my brother regularly to encourage him in daily life...but me? The best he could do was call me every name in the book 4 months ago just after he left pretty much right after I got married. And he STILL hasn't apologized for all the God-awful things he said, even though I have. He thought sending the name of a song I should listen to through a text message would just forgive everything. I'm so mad at myself that I kind of miss talking to him & have been thinking about him the last few days.

I've been thinking alot about Jamie lately, mostly because there's mention here & there about Steve T. & that whole saga went south because he's too much of a coward to tell the truth (much like my ex, but that's a long story for another time). The kid won't admit he won't talk to me or see me for a paticular reason (probably the new wife, though I was friends with her before so that doesn't make sense), but that's ok. Yet Jamie doesn't seem to understand how much it pains me when she talks about this & that & how they all hang out all the time. I feel like I got left out of the dark. I haven't seen much of her at all since her boyfriend got out of prison, but then it's gotten even worse over time & I know she sees all those other friends I used to hang out. I just feel left out & childishly jealous & I hate that I feel that way. And I don't think she gets it, & it still pains me to this very day that she wasn't around very much for the wedding planning & such & I don't know, I know I wasn't around me either & I was probably being bitchy. But I don't know, it's not what I had pictured.

But anyway, Jamie asked me to hang out this Thursday & I'm actually looking forward to it. And I have a work outing tonight (ugh...but I have to shut people up by actually showing up, bastids). Busy week all in all...



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