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9:06 p.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 28, 2009
The One Where I Attempt To Come Back
Hello Diary. We meet again.

And it's been...oh, I haven't the slightest how long now. Wait, lemme check...March 2008!!! Holy crap. Yeah, it's been awhile. I'm not even sure as to where to begin on what's new in my life.

It's so funny to think about where I was when I began this diary. I remember it really well, & I remember why. I know that I started it while living in Uxbridge with my ex Chris. Nowadays, there's things like Facebook & Myspace to distract. I haven't even touched Twitter & am afraid to because I don't need yet another site to be addicted to. I started this thing to help with my depression at a time that online blogs weren't even called 'blogs' yet. I feel so old now. I was so young then. I had so much life & hope & I thought I was in a bad place. Soooo much has happened since then.

Well, the long & short of it is, I've now been married for 3 years. I am in our own house that we've bought (it's a townhouse, but hey, it's ours). And I'm a mother.


That last one surprised me, too. I was really on the fence about whether or not I wanted children, honestly. But last summer, I was told by yet another doctor (5 in all) that I couldn't have children. And you know, when someone tells you that you CAN'T have something, & you're of the stubborn kind of personality...well, needless to say, I felt my biological clock pounding at that point. And I honest to God didn't think I'd get pregnant right away, or maybe ever, but here I am. My daughter is now 7 weeks old as of today, actually. She's nothing short of a miracle. Born by emergency c-section after her heart rate kept dropping. Anyone who knows me would laugh at this news. Me, who's always been deathly afraid of needles, let alone blood tests, IV's & surgeries. But here I am, a mother.

There's alot I could talk about these days, really. I'm home from work for another month I think...I find out from the doctor tomorrow at my postpartum checkup. But wow, so much has happened in the last year alone. We lost more pets (Rogue has died, unfortunately), gained another (we now have a male cat named Simon who is so freaking sweet it kills me). I'm still in that call-center-like job, but hoping to change that soon. Matt & I still have a good marriage, though new parenthood definitely does test that, that's for sure. But I'm hoping years from now we can look back at these tough times & laugh.

There's alot of hope these days. There's also alot of worry. I dread going back to work & having to put my daughter in daycare. But there's no way I can stay home, that's for sure. It kills me to think of all the money I could've put away for this very purpose, to prolong my staying home, but I didn't. I just squandered it like an idiot. Now I don't even know how I'm going to cover all the bills, seriously. But we'll have to make do somehow. I just have way too much debt to pay off, but I'm hoping my daughter will be prime inspiration to get serious & take better care of this stuff.

Okay, I have to jet now...time to go feed the little monster & attempt to put her to bed. She's sleeping through the night, which I know I should be EXTREMELY thankful for (& I am!), but she insists on starting her stretch of sleep around midnight every night. I'm a little selfish & would like earlier, of course. I'm no fool!



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