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10:00 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 08, 2005
Damn Dreams Again
They say a woman should always have 3 things...A love she can dream of going back to, a love she's glad she left behind, & a love she looks forward to spending the rest of her life with.

Why one Earth does that first one give me so much trouble?

So ironic that the man I'm thinking of brought me the most pain out of anyone, but also the most joy. And again with the weird dreams I have once inawhile, I'm seriously sick of them.

Last night it was him & I having sex in a room full of girls, then him leading me around my work by the hand, telling me he didn't want to be with me but couldn't help himself.

Really, what the fuck?

I'm trying to figure out how long it's going to take to truly get over this guy. As it is, he was my shortest relationship at just barely a year & we've been apart for at least that as well. And yet I'm still thinking of him obviously, even if it's subtle. I'm terrible, I still see if he's on AIM sometimes & I still wonder if he'll ever contact me someday or if he even thinks of me at all. What the hell is wrong with me? I went out with one guy for 4 years, lived with him, AND had the intent of marrying him & I got over him in 6 months when we fell apart. I'm just not getting it. I wonder sometimes how hard it would be to get over Matt if we broke up. Sometimes I think I'd be devestated, but other times I'm just not sure. This all makes me feel like such a horrilbe, horrible person. I mean, I'm engaged for God's sake. And it's not even like I'm unhappy with Matt, he's like, the best boyfriend ever.

I wonder sometimes if it's because I absolutely can't stand not having closure & I can't stand feeling like someone doesn't like me. I don't know. But then I go back & think about him, the way he treated me, some of the things he said, even his friends, his ex that he supposedly claimed ruined him for future relationships. Sometimes I wonder what he'd say if I told him he did it to me. Because of his weakness, he in turn made me into what he was. Someone who can't feel anymore & can't open their heart anymore because someone else stomped on it & the wounds are too deep. Damn, I don't think I'd be feeling this strongly if we weren't friends first. I hate that, I hate that I ever dated him, I really do regret it so much, I wish I was still the same ignorant girl he used to know before he broke me.

I've been teetering with the idea of seeing a shrink about all this because I don't feel it's healthy. Maybe it's about time I take some action on it.



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